Stolen Ghost Orchid (beatnikonvespa) wrote,
Stolen Ghost Orchid

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Growing up

It has now been almost a year since my family moved to New York. When I look back on the past 12 months, I find it astonishing to see how much I have changed, both physically and psychologically. In some respects, I resent having to become a responsible adult so quickly - I don't know of any other 18 year olds who toss and turn at night angsting over their superannuation, nor do any of my friends have to work five days a week just to avoid further debt. I seem to have spent a great deal of my life stubbornly refusing to become a full-grown, independent woman. In my early teens my friends and I got up to some crazy antics - running around Darling Harbour in the pouring rain, acting out false arguments in the middle of a busy mall (we called it 'street theatre'), crowding together with hundreds of steamy bodies in mosh pits all over Sydney...I loved just being wacky and not needing to justify it.

Then came the transition - I foresaw the imminent pressure, responsibilities and stress that was to be forced upon me during my final years of high school. I had a choice - accept that my childhood was nearing conclusion, or resist this maturation into womanhood with every fibre of my being. I chose the latter. Three years of a bony, childlike, sexless body. Three years of absolving responsibility. Three years of no menstruation, no hips, no breasts, no proper signs of femininity. Three years of trying to be as unattractive as possible so as to deter anyone who might dare to try and love me.

And then, the light. The realisation, the acceptance that letting go of childhood might not have to mean letting go of the mischief, the defiance, the FUN. I no longer have a desperate need to compare myself to what I see as normal. I'm starting to see that labels and definitions are meaningless, that life in general ought to be more fluid, more accomodating,

So now here I am at 18 years old, finally ready to accomplish all that I was meant for. I no longer fear what lies ahead - I am in control of my own destiny, and the trials I have overcome thus far have strengthened my resolve to make an impact on this world. This girl is well on her way to becoming a woman, and the world had better just watch out.
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