*My new flatmate moved in a week ago! He's a lot more considerate than Nick, and he's very talkative. He makes me laugh a lot, and has introduced me to the wonder and mirth of Red Dwarf.
*I've been taking Efexor, a new antidepressant, for a week, and so far it's all okay. I think we all remember what happened last time...
*I arrived home late one night to find a very terse letter in my mailbox threatening to nail my cat to a door. It turns out that the cat apparently...well, defecated on my neighbour's door mat, causing said neighbour to stupidly track cat poo all through his house. Now he wants me to pay for it, AND he threatened to report me for 'animal neglect'. This guy is such an asshole, you can really tell from his letter that he relies on the Microsoft Word thesaurus to compose his provocative notes of rage. Meh. Anyway, I referred him to my mother, and they dealt with each other. I now have to pay $50 a week for three weeks to him for damaging his crappy (hah!) imitation Persian rugs. Well, I think my mum was a little too submissive, so I composed a letter of my own that will accompany the first $50 instalment....
Following your initial, somewhat threatening letter, I ignored my flatmate's suggestion to contact the police, and contacted my mother instead. I understand that the urge to nail my cat to your door has been supressed. Which is probably a good thing. I mean, can you imagine having to explain that sight to a group of dinner guests? "Don't mind the door old chaps, I'm going for a rugged 'disembowled domestic animal' motif this season". Anyhow, I digress.
I will accept your accusations at face value - that my cat is responsible for your suffering, and thus, on behalf of him, I must duly compensate you. I will ignore the defenses that immediately spring to mind - chiefly that there are a few 'grey cats' within the vicinity (including the one who lives next door), and that I have been living here for over 10 years with nary an animal-related complaint until this one.
There is just one thing I am unclear on - how did the unspeakable dirt become tramped throughout your house unless you invited my cat inside? It has been my experience that cats have difficulty forcing their way through locked doors. If you stepped on the soiled doormat and subsequently sullied your own carpets, then my sympathies for the destruction this grave oversight caused you.
In any case, I sincerely apologise for the lack of respect my cat has shown you by soiling your living space so gratuitously. I would offer to beat him to death with reeds, but I fear that this would possibly garner me another "animal neglect" accusation.
If you happen to incur any further expenses, perhaps for psychological trauma counselling following the "stink, germs, time, expense and horror of cleaning the mess up", please let me know. As soon as I finalise arrangements for financing my combined law degree, I would be happy to siphon any remaining money into your account.
I'm glad this has all been resolved. As they say in the Latin, "Sona si Latine loqueris".
(The Latin phrase means "Honk if you can speak Latin!". I included it because he used some wanky Latin phrase in a letter to my mum...I think it was "live and let live"...)
Well what do you know, that entry was somewhat paragraph-y.
My life may suck sometimes, it may be illogical, frustrating and fraught with contradictions, but damn, it's never</a> boring!